Giving Christmas Eve a Whole New Meaning

I debated writing this post. Over and over in my head I composed and then deleted it. I worried about what people may think, what reaction I would get by really opening up. Something urged me on though. My heart is set on reaching out to others. To do so, I have to be real and I have to be me and show the good and the bad. So here goes...

Besides the obvious, Christmas Eve has a whole new meaning to me now. For the past decade, it has been a day that is filled with internal sadness and regret. Now, it is a day that is filled with hope and life and happiness.

A decade ago, Christmas Eve 1999, I miscarried for the very first time. I was young and didn't really have a relationship with Christ. My engagement to my high school sweetheart had ended and the last time we saw each other, well - I don't need to go into details. I didn't know I was pregnant until it was over. It was really sad and traumatic. I ended up having to have surgery. The doctor never told me why I miscarried. It would be been helpful to know. At the time, I didn't really think of that. I was upset but also felt a sense of relief. I wasn't ready to be a Mom, however, there was also no way I could ever end a pregnancy. I had disappointed myself and my family. They loved me and showed me unending grace. I never truly got to mourn that loss until much, much later. I still have the angel teddy bear my best friend and mom got for me after surgery to remind me of the precious baby that is in Heaven.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve 2006. Chip and I had been married for over a year and were actively trying to get pregnant. I had some female issues and suffered from endometriosis and some hormone issues. We were seeing a highly recommended Dallas-based fertility doctor. We were in Iowa celebrating the Holidays and I took a ovulation test. Go time. A few weeks later, I had my very first two pink line test. We were thrilled and told everyone immediately that we were pregnant. YEA! I read Guess How Much I Love You to the baby every night while sitting in my Grandma's rocker that I had been rocked in. I bought maternity clothes and a friend gifted me some of her old baby stuff. I was thinking about the nursery. Then, there was a snow storm. I was bleeding pretty badly. We went to the emergency room. We had miscarried. I had to do blood work to make sure it wasn't because of having a negative rH (it wasn't). More tests and heartache and then having to tell everyone that we had lost our baby. A friend gave me the book Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There are No Tears in Heaven. I mourned for the loss of this baby and the one I had lost seven years before. At least now my two precious angels had each other, I could picture my Grandma Water holding and rocking them as they nestled in her lap. I felt so lost. Did I deserve to be a Mom? God carried me through this tough time. My heart healed.

We took a break and saw more doctors. I got pregnant once more and miscarried very early in the pregnancy. We went to a really good doctor. We tried IUI three times with no success. We moved to Pennsylvania. We decided to try IVF. I went back to Texas for this. I had a peace in my heart. We got pregnant and they gave me progesterone supplements so I would stay pregnant. Hayden was a sticky baby. He grew and grew. He was healthy. I was induced on December 22, 2009. We left the hospital with our precious gift on the afternoon of Christmas Eve, 2009. God turned my mess into the most precious miracle. He wrote my story and wants me to use it to help others. I was such a mess for so long. Through the grace of God and the support of amazing friends, family, medical staff and a husband that will put most men to shame, I am a Mom. I was meant to be a Mom to Hayden. He is the baby boy we are supposed to raise. He is proof that God withholds no good thing to those who believe. Hayden gave Christmas Eve a whole new meaning and he helped completely heal my heart.

My hope and my prayer in writing this is that it gives you hope. God will turn your mess into a miracle. It's not an easy road. We're human and make mistakes. Jesus died on the cross for us. He shows us grace and extends us His mercy. The love He has for us is immeasurable. He's not done with us yet and our story, is truly a love story.

Hayden Summer 2010

Click here to view these pictures larger

Eight Months In...

Hey! See how ADORABLE I am?

What is on my head?

Dear Hayden,

Eight months?! How are you already eight months old? You are so fun, so happy, such an enormous blessing!

• This month you were more interested in EATING the month sticker rather than wearing it, so I stuck it on top of your head. You chewed on the paper while I took pictures of you.
• You love to smile - at pretty much anyone, as long as you are safe in my or your Daddy's arms.
• You have started to have a bit of stranger danger and separation anxiety. It takes you a little bit to warm up to new people. You cry big, HUGE alligator tears to show us how upset you are.
• One of your bottom teeth finally broke through when your Grandma Donna (or KK, as Nathan calls her) was here to visit. Your other front bottom tooth is on it's way. BONUS: no biting the Momma!
• You make the FUNNIEST faces and they just crack me up. I think you may be the type of kid that likes to make people laugh. I adore that!
• On a sad note, you had your first post tubes ear infection and the stuff that came out of your ear was gross!! You also had an eye infection at the same time (left ear and left eye). On the up side, KK was here to visit so you got to rest and cuddle with her. You LOVED the attention.
• KK loved visiting and loving on you. You adore your grandparents and family. They think you are pretty awesome too!
• You had your hearing test two days after you got diagnosed with the ear infection. You didn't pass the left side, so we are going back September 10th. You also have stopped being interested in tummy time or rolling. The ENT thinks it may be due to have a unilateral (one side) ear infection messing with your equilibrium. We'll re-evaluate after your next hearing test. Whatever it is, we will figure it out. Who know? Maybe you just prefer to sit and stand and are done with that baby rolling stuff. HA!
• You still love to sleep on your belly. You take really good naps a home cuddling with us. At school, I think you hate to miss anything, so you don't nap as well there unless you are in the swing. You DID sleep in your crib until the ear infection. BLAH!
• You are now in 6-12 month or 9-12 month clothes. The 6-9 month clothes are too snug on that milk belly of yours. :)
• You are still in size three diapers.
• You love to go barefoot so you can grab your toes. In your carseat, you will kick one leg while holding onto the toes of the other.
• Your newest favorite thing to do is to feed yourself puffs! You love to put them in your mouth and are really good at doing it by yourself. What a big boy you are!
• You LOVE the dogs. You will screech at any dog to tell them hi. You are quite the talker. Hmm...I wonder where you get that from? HA!
• I really miss you when I am at work. I have been praying for a way to work from home that will enable you to go to school a couple of days a week and we can have more time together. I enjoy my job, but my heart hurts and I feel like I am missing out. Right now, we are all where we need to be. I pray that God will have some things in store to change some of that.
• You are the light of our lives and we just adore you. You are the best parts of Daddy and I both and we enjoy being a family of three (plus two dogs).

Love,

Momma

TTC: A Dream

I 100% love being a wife and mommy. It's not always easy or perfect. It is full of surprises and tough decisions. It is the desire of my heart that God has blessed me with.

I have been at the very rock bottom in regards to TTC (trying to conceive). It is God alone that carried me through this with the peace He placed in my heart, the people who are in my life, and the resources that I was directed to. Without these, I would not have the precious gift that is Hayden. There is so much more to my story and what I experienced than I could possibly conquer in one post or even ten posts. As anyone who has traveled the TTC road can attest, it is full of peaks, valleys, tough decisions and soul searching.

Right now I am TTC my dream and make it into a reality. I have taken the first step in verbalizing it and letting other people know. The support I have been given is awe inspiring and overwhelming in the best possible way. It serves as affirmation that this is how God wants me to serve Him. I am starting to take the steps to turn a dream into a reality and figuring out what that will look like. I have reached out to a couple of websites that I read and I got a response from one. I will know more in the next couple of weeks, but it truly looks promising and it is exactly the place where I want to start reaching out, as this place has a VERY special place in my heart. Once everything has been set up and confirmed, then I can say where. I think those that where there for and with me through my own personal TTC journey will feel a connection.

I want to put it out there that if any of you (if it is you or someone you know) are conquering TTC and want a resource, a shoulder, a voice from someone that has been there, please know I am here. I promise that there is no judgement. My mission is to offer hope and encouragement and, if asked, information about my experience. My heart aches for you and I know that God isn't finished writing your story. As a sweet friend told me, God has a way of turning our messes into miracles that serve to glorify Him. You can always email me at luciafrohling [at] hotmail [dot] com

What If? Now What? What's Next?

What if I could follow my passion and inspire and help other women? What do I mean? I have a special place in my heart for women who have gone through, or are currently in the midst of, infertility. I've been there - I'm still there. It's a weird place to be - a crazy place to be. It's full of uncertainty, doubt, insecurity and questions. It's a place where there needs to be a safe haven. A place to ask the tough questions, to share information, to be a community and to encourage, support and lift up one another. A place to be honest and open with no judgement. A place to hear that what you're going through is normal and here - let me offer you hope and let me be your rock and tell you about the other side. My dream is to start a blog / website and/or write a column about all of this and what's below. It's in the works. I am taking teh first teeny step to getting there.

What If? You're in the midst of infertility. You don't know what to do. You want to hear what others have done. You need information, support and a shoulder to cry on when there is only one single pink line.

Now What? You're pregnant - at last, finally. BUT... you feel guilt about being pregnant because you have friends who are still TTC (trying to conceive). You want to enjoy each moment. It's taken you so long to get here and you need a different type of support.

What's Next? The bundle of joy is here. Maybe you're ecstatic. Maybe you're overwhelmed. Maybe your experiencing baby blues or postpartum depression and feel guilt about that. After so long, there was this fantasy of what having a baby would be like. The snuggles, love, smell is amazing. The poop, sleeplessness, adjustment is hard. That pesky guilt keeps coming back because you have a baby, shouldn't you been shouting from the rooftops? How do you adjust? Do you want another one? Are you scared? What IF there isn't another one????

My dream is to help facilitate and offer information in a kind manner for those who need a safe place to turn to. I want to minister in a way that will help and support believers and non-believers alike. I want a place where women can turn for biblical support coupled with research and information, along with stories of women just like them.

Now what? What's next? I have to go boldly forward and formulate a plan. I can do this. I want to do this. This is my passion. I have great motivation in the seven and a half month old little guy with the beautiful blue eyes who came after years of struggle and the wonderful man who is his Daddy and my biggest cheerleader.

To do this - I need you. Please help me to help other women. Offer your advice, guidance, encouragement and, if you've been in the IF, I would love for you to be a part!

Email me at luciafrohling [at] hotmail [dot] com

Hayden Summer 2010

Click here to view these pictures larger

Seven Months In...

Dear Hayden,

Seven months – you are now OVER a half of a year old and it just keeps getting better and better!! We love seeing you become your own little person!

• You have such a great personality! You are very easy going and, normally, only fuss when you are tired or hungry. Your smile lights up your whole face and we just adore your gummy grin!


• You are teething - your bottom two teeth are about to come in. Remember - don't bite the momma!


• You really love to eat! You are NOT a fan of spinach, but will eat just about everything else. Now that you are teething, you really like to chew on pieces of cold fruit.


• You got tubes on July 13th and THAT was hard on Daddy and me. You did great! You didn't even wake up grumpy! The ENT said that your ears were really bad (red and pus-filled). You had stopped rolling over because the fluid in your ears would make you dizzy when you rolled over. The afternoon of your surgery, you started rolling over again and haven't stopped! We are so proud of you! You also had a 20 decibel improvement in your hearing (difference between a whisper and a normal voice).


• Due to all of the infections and such, you would wind up in bed with Daddy and me. Our friends, the Reed's, came to visit and this helped (okay - made us - which was good) to get you back to sleeping in your crib. You like to sleep one of two ways - on your belly with your bum in the air or on your back with a blanket by your face. We let you sleep on your belly with the SIDS monitor on here and you sleep on your back with the blanket at school. Your teachers are so proud of you for starting to take your naps in your crib too! I do still enjoy our midnight feedings - I like the extra cuddle time. Daddy enjoys his Daddy-son time in the morning with you while I get some extra sleep. It's a good balance for all of us!


• Speaking of the Reed's - we had a FABULOUS time with them. You loved playing with the boys. You want to be big like them!


• You are still in size three diapers and, this month, we caught your poop face on camera. I know you will love me when I show that to your prom date!


• You are still (just barely) in 6-9 month clothes. I think you will be in 9-12 month clothes soon.


• I think you still wear size three shoes. You go barefoot most of the time, so I'm not really sure.


• You now weigh 20 lbs. 4 oz. and are a solid, perfect little guy!


• You started saying "Dada!" Your Daddy loves it! You still say Mama when you want me (or maybe when you want milk).


• You talk a LOT - we have very fun conversations!!


• You love to bang and make noise. This means we now have a lot of loud toys in our house -and I love it! Daddy even got you your own baby laptop since you like banging on his so much!


• You love anything with wheels. You are SO boy!


• This month, you started clapping. You and I were watching "Make It or Break It" on ABC Family and there was a scene where the audicence was clapping and you just joined in. You still do it and now, when you eat, you will clap or do the sign for more when you want more to eat.


• At church, you started in the nursery and are doing awesome! YEA! They love you as much as your teachers at school do.


• You are sitting up so awesome and are starting to go on all fours. I think you will start crawling in the next month or so. Now, you just roll to get where you need to go. You do this more at school than at home because you like to cuddle a lot at home. And I will take all the cuddles you have to give!


• You LOVE to stand up! You can stand for a few seconds on your own. Who knows - maybe you will skip crawling and go straight to walking?


• You REALLY like to drink out of a water bottle. I did it once to see what you would do. You prefer a water bottle over a sippy cup and are pretty good about swallowing most of the water. You like to chew on the spout of your sippy cup.


• You are such a joy in our lives and we love you!
  
  Love, Momma