Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Three Months In...

Dear Hayden,

Oh my sweet boy - has it really been three months? Where did the time go? A lot has been going on this month.

  • Your Aunt Kristi & Uncle Jake were here to celebrate your three month birthday - that is them holding you in the picture. Man - are they in love with you! It makes my heart so happy to see how much they love you - you ate up all of the attention they gave you! You would have talks with Uncle Jake and snuggle up and fall asleep on Aunt Kristi. You smiled, cooed and laughed. I had to work Monday and they loved watching you! Your Daddy and I think you are pretty awesome and it makes me smile to see that other people think so too (not that we had any doubt - you are a charmer!).

  • I went back to work a week before you turned three months (on March 15th) and man - Mama has been struggling! Your teachers love you and I know it is good for you to be at school - it just hurts my heart to drive away after I drop you off. The best part of my day (other than when your Daddy is home and we can have family time) is walking in the school door to pick you up. You seem to sense that I need Hayden time and are such a snuggle bug. Your teachers love to snuggle with you!

  • At work, I have been pumping. It's going pretty good. I enjoy having the break in my day to just sit back and think about you.

  • You wear 3-6 months onesies and pants. You seem to have a longer torso than legs so you were in 0-3 pants until this week.

  • You are on the cusp of being in size three diapers.

  • You wear size 2 shoes.

  • You wear Baby Dry diapers at night. Last night, you leaked through when I got up to feed you at 4:30 (your Daddy had changed you at 2) and let's just say that we both needed new pj's (luckily they were just wet).

  • We have had awesome weather lately and have gone to the park TWICE! You love it (and normally fall asleep).

  • You are liking your car seat more. You are big enough now that we took out the headrest thing. That was the problem - you couldn't turn your head to look around and you wanted too!

  • You are now facing out in the front carrier and are just about ready for your Bumbo. You love to turn your head and look around. You are a curious little monkey.

  • You love your bouncy seat in the bathroom - it plays music and lights up. You sit in it and talk to me when I get ready in the morning. This was Daddy's idea and it's a good one. You also sit in it when I take a shower so that the steam will keep you nice and NOT congested.

  • You have been sleeping SO GOOD in the monkey in your crib.

  • You have been getting up only once at night to eat. The last week you've been going through a growth spurt, so it's been several times. I don't mind though, it's our special time and I get to hold and love on you. I love being able to nurse you and sit in the rocking chair and hold you. I've been so tired from work, that I normally fall asleep with you on my chest in the middle of the night. I absolutely love that because soon you will be too big for that.

  • You LOVE your hands, your paci and anything you can get in your mouth - the little monkey that hangs on your downstairs bouncy seat and the frog that hangs on your carseat.

  • I got you a new carseat toy that you love!

  • You can ROLL OVER from your front to your back. I am SO PROUD!

  • You love to lay on your back or tummy and just wiggle around. Your little feet kick out like a frog that's swimming - I think you will be an earlier crawler, which means we will be REALLY busy then!

  • You love to stick out your tongue and you can smack your lips. Pretty stinkin' cute!

  • You now recognize where your food comes from and get so excited when I lay you sideways and....

  • You smile and laugh so much - you are a VERY happy baby and we are beyond blessed! My heart just leaps with joy when I see your face and man, oh man, do we love you. Weekends are pretty precious - we really enjoy our family time!

Time is going by so fast and it's hard to imagine life without you. You have made our lives so full and we LOVE you!



Monday, March 8, 2010

Achy Breaky Heart

Would you want to be away from this precious face?

That catchy song by Miley Cyrus' dad is also the current state of my heart in regards to going back to work, or more specifically, leaving Hayden at daycare. I never thought I would feel this way when I was pregnant. I didn't fully understand how much more I would love my husband and want to provide a peaceful home for him and how a piece of my heart would be forever attached to our sweet son.

I know there are positives and negatives to staying at home and working outside the home. I know that Hayden will be fine. We very carefully chose a school that we feel will provide the best care and curriculum for him. It isn't far from my work and it is super secure and safe (they scan your fingerprint - that is how you are able to get through the second set of doors and into the center). He will learn baby sign language, do baby yoga - and as he gets older - learn French and Spanish. I know he will learn important social skills and will be on a better schedule (hey - he may even sleep in his crib at home eventually). I know it will be good for me to have more adult interaction and not be so isolated. His immune system will get built up and he won't be sick as often when he is in elementary school. We will have better financial stability and be able to pay off more bills (specifically - Hayden's conception), put money away for Hayden's college, save for another baby (which we plan to have in a couple of years) and build up our savings.

And yet...

I had a breakdown Friday and sobbed in the shower for thirty minutes. I threw up last night because my stomach is in knots about going back to work. I'm scared. I know Hayden will be fine - he won't love me any less and he will be excited to see me when I pick him up. It will be better on him to be around people other than just Chip and myself. Chip and I talked and, if I honestly cannot do it, I can stay home. My work is being awesome about all of this - I have been very honest with them and they are supportive. I can be off and telecommute from home when Hayden is sick. I got a promotion that will give me more flexibility in hours. Our insurance for our entire family is paid for by work (no premium for us - which is so rare) and it's great insurance. They match my 401(k). We get bonuses and it's a good work environment. It is still work though and the time I am there is time I am away from Hayden.

And yet...

The root of this is being away from Hayden and also be scared of NOT being able to do it all. I have a handle on things now. I can take care of the house (granted - we still have our housekeeper come every other week since it wouldn't be fair to let her go until we knew for sure if I was going back to work), the laundry (which is my Achilles heel), cooking, seeing friends, and, most importantly, being a good wife and mom. Chip still has the same commute (45 - 1 hour each way) so that means I will be responsible for taking Hayden to school, picking him up, getting dinner ready, taking care of the girls and Hayden until Chip gets home. It is the nature of Chip's job and I know that.

Since I am breastfeeding and Hayden isn't sleeping through the night yet, the night responsibilities are still mine when I am working. I don't function very well on little sleep - I tend to get upset easier. But hey - that's what coffee is for right? I know we could give Hayden formula, but truly, I feel really strongly about giving him breast milk exclusively as long as possible. Especially if I'm working, I feel that is the least I can do. The downside to that decision is that all of the milk I pump will be for school so Chip won't be able to feed him until I figure that out (I am thinking he can feed on weekends and some nights once I figure out how much milk I'll need for Hayden - right now, I'm freezing everything I pump to make sure we have enough).

To be honest - I am just afraid that I won't be able to be a good wife and mom if I am working - that I will fail Chip and Hayden. I put a lot of pressure on myself - being a good wife and mom is something that means more to me than any amount of money. It is the way I am wired - I am not a high powered career driven type person - to me, family is everything. Family and friends really mean a lot now that we are so far from a lot of them (not all - our PA friends are great!). I am afraid of missing the firsts. I know the first time Hayden does whatever it is will be the first time for us, but still...

I'm afraid of having to go on anti-anxiety medicine again. When we moved here, I had to go on them because I couldn't handle Chip being away and having to deal with the girls, packing, selling the house and all of that. I went off of them a few months after we moved here. I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but I'm still scared. My friends who work and are mommies - they are these incredible women who CAN do it all and they do an AMAZING job! I don't know how they do it! Maybe I can just clone them?

I can do this - I know I can. I just need a LOT of encouragement right now. God will give me the strength to do this. He gives me the strength to get through each day. Friends, expect some teary phone calls next week!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

On Wednesday, I laid Hayden down in the pack and play for his mid morning nap. I put his sweet head down on Spot, the puppy Grandma and Grandpa Frohling sent him for Valentine's Day and kissed him.
When I walked by a short time later to check on him, I found him cuddling Spot. In his sleep, Hayden had maneuvered himself from laying on Spot to holding Spot. It was the sweetest sight to see him loving on his puppy in his sleep. Hayden was also going to town on his paci, so maybe he was dreaming of eating?