Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Balancing Act

This smile - it melts my heart. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Being a WOHM is definitely a balancing act - and one that I don't feel very competent at. First off, I do have to say that my Work is being amazing and accommodating. They are allowing me to work through my lunch so I can leave earlier to pick up my lil' man from daycare and get home before his bedtime of 7:30 p.m. I can telecommute from home when he is sick. I am able to pump whenever I need to in the privacy of my office. Chip is definitely doing his part - he gets Hayden's bottles ready, helps with morning duty, encourages me to have me time and has pretty much taken over laundry and dinner duty so I can bond with Hayden (especially since Hayden cluster feeds at night). Hayden's school is amazing - his teachers really seem to love him (and I am NOT above sucking up - I mean, buying his teacher's little gifts to say how much I appreciate them) and I cherish the little notes they write on his daily reports.

STILL - I am struggling with something that I think every Mom (SAHM, WAHM, WOHM) struggles with - guilt. I feel guilt for working (and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment at work), guilt for taking time for me because that is time away from my family, guilt for Hayden getting sick due to the fact he is in daycare, guilt for feeling overwhelmed, guilt for not enough family time or being able to go watch Chip's games, guilt, guilt, guilt. Guilt for just about everything. The guilt then leads to stress. I tend to put myself down when I am stressed - to think I am "not enough." The situation that I am in now lends itself to a lot of that thinking - which is detrimental to my self esteem to say the least. I also tend to not ask for help - to try to do it all or to do too much. God is certainly using being a WOHM to sharpen me in that aspect. Simply put - I can't do it all. I HAVE to have help and I am luckier than a lot of women. We have a biweekly cleaning lady who helps with the laundry. I have a supportive Workplace. I have friends who are also WOHMs who encourage me with the fact that they somehow manage to do it all - with grace and a sufficiency that I lack. I have other friends who are SAHMs who don't judge me for working and are supportive. And yet...still the guilt remains.

I've been back at work for about a month. I know it will get easier. I am just struggling with so much right now. There is a balance - I just have to find the right one for our family and let go of my insecurities and guilt. I am going to a Beth Moore simulcast on that very topic Saturday - I think it will fill me up and help me. I am praying it will.

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