If These Walls Could Talk

As someone who is a mom of preemie twins and who also works from home, I spend a LOT of time at home.  I'm actually a pretty introverted person (which may surprise some of you), so I don't mind it - most of the time.  Sometimes, though, I feel as though I may go a bit more crazy than I already am.

After the twins were born six weeks early, I expected that I would have to keep them home for the first few months.  What I didn't expect was that I would need to keep them home as much as possible for the first twelve months!  Since I found that out a few weeks after their four month check up, I have had to make some physical and mental adjustments for my own sanity.

You see, we took the family to Texas when the twins were a little over two months old for a sip and see.  They had their vaccines and all of our family & friends were super careful about making sure their hands were freshly washed/sanitized before holding them.  When we came home, they both ended up with colds and, eventually, ear infections.  I figured that their immune systems were getting built up and, since they're pretty healthy otherwise, I didn't worry about it.

Then, Dawson had another ear infection when he was five months old.  I mentioned to our pediatrician that we had gone to Texas and were planning to go back the next month (mid-September).  He told me that he would prefer we not go (if we could) since there was a whooping cough outbreak and the twins weren't fully vaccinated yet.  That made sense to me, so I told him we would just wait until we went back in October for the State Fair.  He said that would be fine, but his recommendation would be to not to take them out anywhere while we were there since it would be RSV season.

At this point in the conversation, I told him that we were looking to start the twins in a MDO program when they were eight months old.  I asked if he had any suggestions.  He told me, "yes, your house, until they are a year old."  He knows I work from home, so I was slightly puzzled by his response.  When I asked why, he explained that RSV season runs from October - April and he highly recommended that we not take them to any public places indoors or any outside places like the fair.  The twins would also be receiving a shot called Synagis once a month for seven months to further protect them from getting RSV. I was completely taken aback.  The twins were pretty healthy, other than a sinus and ear infection for Ansley and Dawson's recurrent ear infections (which Hayden has also had).  When I mentioned this to him, his response was that we don't really take them anywhere and this is why they are as healthy as they are - and it also wasn't cold/flu/RSV season.  We are as careful as we can be with the twins - all the grandparents and uncles/aunts have had their whooping cough vaccine and get their annual flu shots.  Hayden washes his hands when he gets home from school and I don't really pick him up or drop him off, so as not to expose the twins to preschool germs. 

After this appointment, I went home and did some research.  I polled my twin mom friends and - sure enough - just about everyone with preemies had done the same thing.  So, for now, we stay home.  We are "allowed" to travel to Iowa and Texas, but we won't be taking the twins all over to see people.  It's best for them to be in one environment with germs that they are accustomed to.  Other people can come see them, of course, but it's immediate hand washing and no one who has recently been ill or who feels under the weather will be around them.  No restaurants, churches, friends' homes, museums, etc.  The twins baptism will be delayed until they are a year old.

I won't lie - it's tough sometimes.  I want to go do things as a family.  I want to get used to being out and about.  However, that would be extremely selfish of me to put my children at risk like that when I don't have to.  I work from home and there is nothing so pressing that I HAVE to leave with all the kids.  I look forward to Hayden's tee ball games - it's an approved outing since it's outside and no one holds the twins except for us.  The doctor visits are a chance for social interaction for the babies and me both.  A family walk outside is a welcomed treat.  Church is viewed online.  It's the season we're in right now and I am doing my best to embrace it and be grateful for family and friends who will watch the twins so I can go to the Fair, get some much needed clothes that fit (post partum twin body - that's another post), do a race with my friends or just have a much needed solo trip to the grocery store.

I'm grateful that I have a job that allows me to stay home and keep the twins as healthy as possible so that they can grow bigger and stronger.  If I worked outside the home (like so many moms have to do), the babies would have to be in daycare of some sort and I know that would be tough!  I'm grateful for our friends and my Mom who watch the twins on the days I'm busy with work.  I'm grateful for in-laws who will travel and see us to help out when Chip has to be out of town.  God is using this experience to make me humble.  I have to ask for and accept help.  This has long been a struggle of mine, however, now it is a necessity.  I'm grateful for a spectacular oldest son who helps with the babies and makes them laugh when nothing or no one else can.  I'm grateful for a husband who "gets his hands dirty."  I'm so very grateful for our pediatrician who is honest with me and truly only wants the best for our kids.  He's not overly conservative, however, he is realistic about the risks that preemies face and what we can do to minimize those risks.

To anyone who has preemies and is "home bound" like we are currently, ask for help!  Make time for you.  Take a breath and realize you're doing a fabulous job!  This season is so very temporary and the benefits are endless.  This season has made me have to think about what activities I say yes to and what we are able to do, since Chip and I switch off on who stays home with the babies if we have something to do.  The sweet snuggle and giggles and seeing all the firsts - those moments are priceless and I have a front row seat to everyone.  Dawson and Ansley are the sweetest babies and I know I am beyond blessed by them, Hayden and Chip.  More often than not, as I lay down to sleep, I am overcome at how amazingly full my life is.

If you know someone who is in a situation like ours, offer to help watch the baby(ies) so they can go to the store or get a drink.  Go get your whooping cough and flu shots and let the parents know so they have one less worry on their plate.  Wash your hands and stay away if you're sick.  A drink and a visit will go a long way.  Bring them some take out and have a lunch date with them.  Don't get upset if they can't do something or if they just look exhausted - they are!  Most of all, just be there with a hug and a kind word.  Encourage them and support them - it will mean more than you'll ever know!

Confidence

"Mommy, I like math and I'm really good at it!"

"I can hit the ball WWAAAYYYY over the fence!  Wanna see me?"

"I"m super fast!"

"See my super strong muscles?"

"I'm going to grow as big as my Daddy!  I won't stop growing!"

"I can play football with those big kids!  They will like it!"

To have the complete self confidence of a three and a half year old.  I wish I had just a quarter of his energy and self esteem.  The funny things he says, with such complete certainty, warm my heart.  I want him (and Dawson & Ansley, too) to always be this confident.  I want him to know that he can truly do anything he wants because he can. 

When I look at Hayden and see that he has some of the same qualities and characteristics as me, it makes me proud.  I like myself more when I see myself reflected in him.  It gives me confidence.  Hayden has my smile, my eye shape, my sensitivity, love of books and temper.  He has Chip's athletic ability, love of shoes, easy going nature and sense of humor. 

It is our job as parents to instill confidence and to be that "soft place to land" for our kids.  Hayden can try new things, test boundaries, be his complete silly self and let it all go with us.  In turn, he sharpens me.  He teaches me to slow down, to have more patience, to let the housework and laundry go.  Seeing the world through his eyes is so much fun!  The yumminess that is a waffle sandwich, the fun in splashing water everywhere, the joy of helping, of laying on the ground with the babies, the cool factor of a bug and the payoff when you finally (carefully) catch it - all of these things I have learned from him.  Sure, I can teach him how to do certain things, but he is teaching me so much more - including being confident in who I am.

There Are No Sick Days

When my Mom was here at the beginning of the month she made me go to the doctor, as I had had a yucky cough for about a week.  I went and the diagnosis was bronchitis.  I was told to take some mucinex and rest.  HA!  I have three kids ages three and under - my definition of rest is a five minute shower. 

Over the course of the next two weeks, my cough got worse and I started having trouble breathing.  Enough trouble that I stopped running so I wouldn't end up passed out on the sidewalk.  Of course, I didn't go to the doctor. I  figured it was allergies and ignored it.  Chip made me go to the doctor again before he left for a work trip.  They sent me for an x-ray and.... pneumonia.  Evidently, if you don't rest enough and take care of yourself, your lungs say forget this and you end up with pneumonia.  Two antibiotics and an inhaler, as well as orders for rest, with a follow up in a week.  OF COURSE, this happened when Chip was going out of town.  However, his sweet parents were coming down from Iowa to help with the kids. 

Since Dawson and Ansley weren't feeling very well either, I took them to the doctor and we found out that Dawson had yet ANOTHER ear infection (right ear this time) and Ansley a bad cold.  With all the sickness, we decided that Hayden would visit my parents in Texas for a weekend full of playing with cousins and way too much ice cream.  He loved every second of it and I'm not quite sure he wanted to come back to boring old mom.  :) 

I'm extremely thankful that my in-laws were here to help with the twins and I've learned that I (surprise!) am not the best at resting.  Judy had to literally tell me to go lie down.  Why is it that we as moms so rarely take time for ourselves?  When we do take a minute, it often rejuvenates us and makes us better.  Are you like me and the entire time you're taking time for yourself, you hear that little mom guilt voice making you worry about if everyone is okay?  Do you feel so much guilt about resting that you can't even take a nap?  We need to stop that!  Chip doesn't feel guilt about being away from the kids while he's at work or gone on a trip.  Why do I feel guilty I'm working at 10 at night and I ask him to keep an eye on the twins?  I shouldn't feel guilty that he takes the night shift while I get my first full night of sleep in six months, yet I do.

I need to get over this guilt.  I'm doing the best I can!  The enemy knows my weakness and attacks my vulnerability.  He can go sit on a tack (to paraphrase a church camp song).  God commands us to rest. 

"There remains therefore a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall through following the same example of disobedience."  Hebrews 4:9-11

I am praying now for God to calm my soul and to help me learn to rest.  I need it to be the best mom I can be, physically and emotionally.  No more guilt and anxiousness at the thought of resting and "letting" someone else take the reins for awhile.  So what if the laundry piles up,  So what if the dishes are not done?  So what if the house is messy?  As long as there are smiles on my three precious kids faces and I have a happy husband, the rest can be let go...  I'm off to go get some rest and make this stupid pneumonia go away!

He's a Fighter

Oh Dawson - you, buddy, were a fighter when you were still in the womb!  Your sister was ALL stretched out and you had to fight for every inch of space in the bottom corner.  Every ultrasound showed a little bundle of energy!  You never wanted to show us your face; it was a rarity if we got to see more of you than your back and bum. 

You came out almost a full pound and a half less and an inch shorter than your sister.  You may have been small, but you were mighty and full of life!  Typically, white males who are born early have more obstacles to overcome in the NICU.  They call it "wimpy, white boy syndrome."  You proved them wrong!  Just about every nurse and doctor said that you didn't get the memo that you were a preemie!  You were the first off of CPAP, the first to take a bottle, the first to nurse, the first to get out of the isolette and the first to go home.  Even at the tender age of two weeks old, you were paving the way to greatness!

Since then, you have proven your strength in both big and small ways.  You have an incredible pain tolerance - which is evidenced by the three ear infections and one sinus infection you have had in the last three months.  Your second ear infection was SO bad that it required four different antibiotics and three shots to clear it up.  You will go see the ENT on October 1st and are pretty much set to get tubes shortly thereafter.  I'm glad for this because then you'll be able to hear better and you will feel & sleep MUCH better!  I think you will have a massive growth spurt after the tubes.  Even through the pain of ear infections, you still smile and laugh!

Your smile - it lights up my heart!  You have this HUGE open mouthed smile and have had it since birth.  Your DD was the first to get you to giggle and now I can too!  To get you to laugh, you like it when we swing you REALLY big and sing "Rock a Bye Baby."  You love when we dorp you down really fast!  Hayden can get you to smile just with the sound of his voice.

You are going to be an early crawler, I think!  You can already roll all the way over and will scoot or roll yourself to wherever you want to go.  We need to start baby proofing!! 

Dawson - you already love football!  You are mesmerized whenever there is a game on.  This makes your Daddy VERY happy!! 

Your other loves include: the exersaucer, the primary colored plastic key ring, burp clothes, the blue or PINK bear pacifier (the pink is your absolute favorite one), your feet (which are ALWAYS so cold), the bath (you love to kick and make a HUGE mess), sleeping on your belly or with a fliptop head (the sign of needing tubes and maybe removal of tonsils and adenoids later on), your blue polka dot blanket from Kappy, Anger Steve, Uncle Jake and our housekeeper. 

When you don't feel good or are mad, you scratch your face, so we have to keep your nails really short.  You also have an eczema spot that flares up when you're really sad.  Your cry is loud and clear.  There is no mistaking when you're mad.  You wake up either babbling and happy or hungry and mad.  There is no in between!  You have to eat Nutramigen formula, as anything else upsets your belly.  You LOVE eating food!  I can't get it in you fast enough.  So far, apples are your favorite, but you'll really eat anything.  We have to watch out for the more acidic fruits, as they flare up your eczema.  We also found a spoon that works for your tongue thrust. You also had some cradle cap, but we got that under control with some special lotion.  You have your Mommy's sensitive skin, I'm afraid.  However, you've also got my smile and I love that!

Dawson - you have taught us so much in the past five and half months (and even before then).  You are so strong and I know that you are a natural born leader.  You want what you want, when you want it.  I see you standing up for what is right and I see you being a protector of your sister and for those who are unable to stand up for themselves.  I don't see you ever backing down.  You are so bright, so smart and so determined already!  We love you more than words can say!  You are the best big and little brother ever and you make our family complete!!

Embracing the Pink

When I went in for my ultrasound with Hayden and it was obvious we were having a boy, I was relieved.  Sports, trucks, dirt, skinned knees - I could handle that.  The thought of having a girl utterly terrified me.  I absolutely adore my goddaughters and love being the Aunt Shusha who takes them to get manicures and little girl makeovers.  Raising my own?  Absolutely terrifying!

I did not have an easy time of it from middle school until about halfway through college.  In elementary, I was the smart kid who had a mom who picked out perfectly coordinated outfits (until fifth grade, which you can tell my picture with Santa in a print shirt and striped overalls rockin' a side pony).  I loved being the "teacher's pet" and didn't realize how that probably made me not the most popular kid. 

Middle school was filled with awkwardness, knobby knees and, despite WANTING  to be athletic, not having the coordination to actually be an athlete.  I wore thick, round glasses, had unruly hair and wanted desperately to be liked by the popular group.  My brother was one of the popular kids,  but I was not and never would be.  It was actually kind of sad how much I tried to be liked by the "in crowd" and I am VERY lucky that my friends did not leave me in the dust.  They were and are amazing women who recognized my faults and how much I just wanted everyone to like me (it's something I still struggle with).  Can you see I struggled with self-acceptance and self-esteem (like so many young girls do)? 

High school was pretty much two straight years of bad decisions due to rock bottom self-esteem, followed by two years of trying to undo the damage of the previous two years.  I was a hot mess and, looking back, I just want to shake myself and also give myself a big hug.  The young girl that I was - she wanted so badly to be loved and liked that she lost track of what really mattered and made choices that made it pretty hard for others to care about her (with the exception of a handful of ever faithful friends who stood by me and understood the reason I was all messed up inside and out).  Side note: I'm pretty open and honest but I will not talk about the reason I was all messed up inside and out.  Suffice it to say that it was something that required therapy until I was a junior in college and is something I have only shared with my very best friends.

College - well, it was exactly how college was supposed to be.  I went to Midwestern State University on a scholarship with dreams of becoming an Athletic Trainer.  My high school boyfriend/fiance and I went there together.  He didn't have an easy time with the coursework and didn't return for our sophomore year.  We broke up and I needed a fresh start somewhere I chose all by myself.  I got an academic transfer scholarship to the University of Texas at Arlington.  I went through recruitment and became a Tri Delta.  It was one of the very best decisions I have ever made.  I found myself and was able to be myself.  Through it all, I had my faithful friends to support me and I graduated with honors - with a degree in Business. One of my sorority sisters and I became roommates after I graduated and she is the one who introduced me to Chip. Thanks, Kristina!

So why was I so terrified of having a girl?  I have awesome girlfriends, an amazing husband and a healthy marriage, a strong faith, a great family and three miracles.  Well... middle and high school left quite a mark on me.  I didn't feel equipped to raise a daughter.  I would not wish what I went through on anyone.  I went through a very dark period at a pretty young age and didn't reach out for help.  I suffered from a depression that left me feeling worthless and lonely for the majority of my high school years.  I hid it all with a smile and no one had any idea of the turmoil and hurt that was on the inside.  I was VERY good at putting on a brave face and acting like everything was just fine.  I made good grades and tried to be the perfect daughter.  I was truly saved from myself by the grace of God and by admitting in youth group one night that I had once (unsuccessfully) tried to take my own life with pills due to my own self-loathing.  One of the youth group members wrote me a letter that I still have to this day that told me that I was worthy of God's grace and that God loved me WITH all of my mistakes, bumps and bruises (thanks, Bruce, you'll never know how much that note meant to me; well, I guess now you do if you ever read this).

It's amazing how God can change you and make you stronger than you ever thought possible.  After Hayden was born, I prayed pretty fervently for God to make me stronger and softer.  I prayed for Him to give me the confidence and wisdom to know what to do if I ever had a daughter.  I love my Mom and our relationship and I wanted the same one day, if it was God's plan.  I saw so many of my friends become Moms to daughters and I watched them.  I felt a peace in my heart that God would show me how to raise a strong, capable daughter who wouldn't have to go through any of the junk that I did.  I am sure that Ansley will have different struggles and hurdles that she will have to go through.  However, God blessed her with two older brothers to protect her.  Chip and I will instill in them (and her) how women are to be treated at all times.  We call her our princess and she is.  She is everything that is good and wonderful and right in this world.  She is a delight and is clothed in dignity.  She is our precious treasure that we will do everything in our power to protect and keep her pure and innocent.

Every night I pray for her (and Hayden and Dawson too, of course).  I pray that the word of God will be her most mighty tool.  I pray that the relationship she has with her Daddy will show how her she should be treated.  Chip is setting the bar pretty high for anyone who wants to court his daughter.  We will teach her to stand up for herself and to be strong and kind.  We will teach her how to shoot a gun and to defend herself should she ever need to.  She will know that we are her parents and we will discipline her out of love.  I want her to know that she can come to me with anything and I will always have her best interests at heart.  She may not always like me and I'm okay with that.  Every decision we make is to help her and is because we love her.  As much as I want to, I cannot keep her in a bubble.  What I can do is equip and empower her.  I can build a foundation and help her to know and love Jesus.  One of our friends has a song called "1,000 Faces" and it is the song I envision her dancing to with Chip at her wedding one day.  I look forward to the day that she has children of her own and I can be there for her like my own mom has been (and is there) for me.  With God, nothing is impossible.  He is helping to make me stronger and teaching me to be softer on myself with the addition of our sweet princess so I embrace the pink - wholeheartedly.

Ansley Jean - you are our treasure and we love you more than words can express.  Your first name is your Grandma Judy's middle name (Ann) and my middle name (Leigh) put together.  Your middle name is my Grandma Water's middle name and the first name of one of your Daddy's amazing aunts.  We wanted to give you a name that was strong and filled with history.  These women that you are named after - they are all kind and love Jesus.  That is my wish for you.         

You're Doing Wonderful!

Dear First Time Mom,

I know you are BEYOND exhausted and totally understand why sleep deprivation is an effective means of torture.  Just hang with me and read this... I promise it will give you some mental energy. 

I bet you didn't know that you could love someone so much, did you?  Maybe you had that instant connection or maybe it took you longer.  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom!

How is feeding going?  Maybe nursing comes easily for you or maybe it's a struggle.  Maybe you decided that formula is what's best for you because your milk didn't come in, the baby wouldn't latch, you just don't feel any desire to nurse, or whatever reason.  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom! 

Did you have a c-section?  I had to with both pregnancies.  Hayden's was after 12+ hours of labor (with pitocin and an epidural).  Did you have a natural birth?  Pain meds?  A water birth?  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom!

Are you already a pro at swaddling or does baby just not like it?  Do you believe in co-sleeping?  Sleeping with one hand on the baby's chest all night and your wrist (and hand) goes numb but you do it because that's the only way baby will sleep?  Maybe your baby sleeps all night or maybe only in one hour increments.  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom!

Do you have to go back to work?  Do you WANT to go back to work?  Do you feel guilt when you drop off your baby at daycare?  Here's a tissue and my shoulder - I've been there!  Do you feel guilt because you WANT and NEED to go back to work for your own mental health?  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom!

Are you able to stay home?  Is it everything  you wanted?  Is it a million times harder than you ever thought?  Do you feel lonely and isolated?  Are you having to stay home but want to work?  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom!

I want you to know - this is just the beginning of an amazing journey.  I've heard it said that the days are long, but the years are short.  It's true!  Everything about becoming a mom turns your world upside down.  For some, being a mom comes completely naturally.  For others, not so much.  Either way, you're doing great and are an incredible Mom!

There are "mommy wars" about everything... or at least it seems that way.  Not here.  You do what's best for you and your family!  Bottle or breast, co sleep or not, work or stay home, c-section or all natural... you know your baby best, you know your family best.  You've got this and you're doing a wonderful job!  Trust your gut.  Don't beat yourself up.  No Mom is perfect, but every Mom is the perfect Mommy for their child(ren).  I wish I had believed this when I was a first time Mom!  My son loves me and I love him.  I hated going back to work. I nursed him until 15 months and didn't get one full night's sleep during that time.  I felt I had to do everything.  I felt guilty about working.  I felt guilty every time he was sick.  I felt guilty if I went to get a pedicure or for a walk by myself. 

I'm doing things different this time around.  I ask for help.  I accept help. I work from home, but my kids still get sick - and that's okay.  I nursed for five months and am dang proud of it.  It's also awesome to see my husband (or mom, neighbor, friend) give the babies bottles and bond with them.  I go shopping without kids.  I run several times a week.  I play with my kids.  I know I'm showing them you have to work hard for a living.  I use disposables.  I tend to be overanxious about sickness and want to wrap my kids in a bubble with Germ X.  You know what?  It's okay that I'm that way.  I embrace my crazy!  More than that though, I pray over them every night.  I trust God and I know He's using them to sharpen me and soften me. 

You've got this!  Here's some virtual coffee and cinnamon rolls.  I'm here - I won't judge you.  I will support you.  That's what Moms do.  I'm blessed enough to be surrounded by awesome Moms - we all do things differently and we all support each other.  Trust me - you're doing wonderful! 

I'd Do It All Again

"For this boy (these children) I prayed, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him. 28"So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there."  1 Samuel 1:27-28

These two verses sum up so much in 44 words... Years of trying to conceive the old fashioned way, fertility drugs, doctor visits, cross-country flights, tears, laughter, heartbreak, happiness and, through it all, SO MUCH prayer.  Chip and I have been blessed with three amazing miracles.  I have hopes and dreams for them, like any parent.  However, there are two things that are important above all else - I want my children to love Jesus and I want them to be kind.  Everything else they accomplish (and I know God has great plans for them) is a bonus.  I want them to sign the Lord's praises and to be a testament to His glory.  I want them to seek out the shy child, to stand up for what is right (even when it's not the "cool thing" to do). 

I have to be honest with you.  Getting (and staying) pregnant and birthing my children was NOT easy.  With Hayden, I was so, so sick every morning until I was over halfway through the pregnancy.  He tried to arrive early several times.  I ended up having an induction and, after 12+ hours of labor, an emergency c-section.  I only dilated to an eight and he was transverse and stuck on my hipbone.  If I had had him back before c-sections, neither one of us would have made it.  Every struggle I went through from conception to delivery melted away the instant I heard his cry and saw him!  At three and a half, he still has a way of surprising me on a daily basis.  His love for all sports is undeniable.  He has the best sense of humor and such a kind and helpful heart.  Don't tell anyone, but he's my favorite.

With Dawson and Ansley, I expected to be sick, but not THAT sick.  I was sick morning, noon and night with them until I was 25 weeks pregnant.  I had to get outpatient IV therapy two times a week and wear a special band (along with taking medication) to keep from throwing up constantly.  I was laid off from my job at six and a half months pregnant (the day after I received a glowing review).  I was put on bed rest at 29 weeks and received two steroid shots to help grow the babies lungs.  The babies just kept trying to come early.  I ended up in the hospital to stop labor with the use of a magnesium drip at 32 weeks.  I left after a few days and then went BACK, this time for preeclampsia, three days after I left.  Even with medication, my blood pressure kept going up and I ended up having them at 33 weeks and 5 days gestation.  The doctor moved the c-section up by two hours and Chip almost missed it.  I was in the OR and they were starting my spinal tap when Chip came in.  It was that close.  My sweet friend, Chasity, almost had to stand in for him. 

After their birth, the babies were immediately sent to the NICU where they stayed for two weeks.  At the time, it felt like an eternity.  Having an older child at home and two babies in NICU, while trying to pump, work and not lose your sanity is something I only accomplished by the grace of God, my sweet husband and in-laws, along with some very amazing friends.  The work served as a distraction.  I have never felt pulled in so many different directions.  I wanted to spend every second with Dawson and Ansley, but Hayden needed us too and I wanted to spend every second with him.  Luckily, our NICU allowed siblings and is one of the very best in the state.  While they were in the NICU, I learned about CPAPs, PICC lines, baby IVs, bilirubin lights, touch times, rooming in, scary phone calls and having to make split second decisions, pumping, syringes of food, how to feed a preemie, tiny diapers, monitors, adjusted age and how to "brown nose" a nurse (sweets) and the thrill of passing a car seat test.  I had never been so excited to change a diaper, to feed my own baby, to nurse for the first time (in the NICU, babies do feeding tube, bottle and then boob), to take my child's temperature, to give them a sponge bath, to put clothes on them, to learn to hold them with wires coming out of everywhere,  to holding them with no wires.  I have had my heart drop when learning our daughter's stats had dropped to a dangerous level and, come to find out, she had reflux and only needed to be elevated to make everything okay.  I received a phone call in the middle of the night letting me know that she had to go back on CPAP.  I learned no one ever told our son that he was a preemie and that he and his sister were both fighters from the beginning.  I discovered I was stronger than I ever thought possible and I learned how to survive on very minimal sleep.  I learned who our true friends are - I learned about the kindness of strangers and how amazing Facebook can be.  People who I didn't really know that well reached out to us and surrounded our babies in prayer.  Those prayers saved their lives.  Dawson has such a sweet smile and infectious giggle. He is a determined little guy. Ansley has the calmest disposition, loves her thumb and has a heart-melting dimple. Don't tell anyone, but they're my favorites.

I now have two precious, feisty, amazing five month olds and a three and half year old who loves them SO much!  My heart grew three times bigger.  My job now is to raise them to love the Lord and to cover them in prayer.  That I can do and I do it constantly.  Our children are miracles and no, the pregnancies, births and after was not easy.  God gave me an attitude of gratitude and carried us through.  And you know what?  I'd do it all over again...

Creating a Family

There are SO many ways to create a family - from "the old fashioned way," to adoption, blended families or, as is the case with us, through fertility treatments such as IVF (in vitro fertilization) or FET (frozen embryo transfer).  There is no right or wrong way.  Everyone's story is different and, I believe, the plan that God had for them.  Given our long road with struggles and, ultimately, three amazing blessings, I want God to use me and our story to encourage and offer hope to others.  To do that, I have to be open and honest...

With Hayden, they transferred two embryos and he "stuck."  I believe his sibling is in Heaven being rocked by my Grandma Water, along with the other babies that I miscarried.  We had four frozen embryos left to use to complete our family.  When we decided that it was time to expand our family, I thought that the lab would end up having to thaw all four to get two embryos that were viable for transfer.  We were VERY lucky in that the first two they thawed were viable.  They transferred them both and the result was Dawson (our precious boy) and Ansley (our sweet girl).  We were absolutely thrilled!  This left us with two frozen embryos.

Our yearly decision time with the embryos is April.  We decided to postpone our decision until after the twins were born.  After an eventful pregnancy and two miracles who came six weeks and two days early, but were (and are) healthy and home (that's another post), we received the notice from the doctor.  We had four options: store the embryos for later use by us, destroy them, donate them to research (for new lab doctors to "practice" on - they wouldn't let them grow or anything like that), or donate them to an anonymous couple so that they could create/complete their family.  We prayed and prayed about it.  It was either option one (us) or option four (another couple).  We knew our family was complete, however, I had a hard, hard time with option four.  I felt they were biologically our children (I believe life begins at conception) and all the lab would tell us is, after a year, if the donated embryos resulted in a successful pregnancy and a successful birth(s).  I looked at our miracles and how beautiful they are, how lucky we are.  Was this the right decision?  Was my crazy pregnancy and tough delivery, followed by a two week NICU stay, keeping me from making the "right" decision?  I prayed some more.  I asked God for clarity and peace.

When the twins were about three weeks old (home one week from the NICU), I was texting a friend and she was talking about their fertility struggles.  They were about to embark on IVF.  I thought about their journey with secondary infertility and another close friend who would have to use donor eggs (or donated embryos) due to her eggs not being viable from the chemo and radiation she received when battling (and beating) breast cancer.  I have prayed for these friends everyday.  I know how desperately they want to complete their families.  I know firsthand the struggle of infertility and the roller coaster ride it is.  Then, my "ah ha" moment.  I would do ANYTHING for these two friends. I would do ANYTHING for any of my friends.  They have so much love to give and want nothing more than a child to give that love to.  All at once, I felt overwhelming peace.  There was a couple out there who needed our embryos.  Yes, they were biologically ours, however, they were also growing in the heart of someone else.  I had to trust God.  He wanted us to donate them. 

The next morning, I called  the lab and told  them our plans.  The doctor told me that they were seven day freezes (that means that they fertilized and were frozen as seven day old embryos).  They don't even do seven day freezes any longer.  The doctor told me that they were the best quality for seven day that she'd ever seen.  She also told me that the list was long of people who needed embryos to complete their family and it would be an enormous blessing to them.  This lab, these doctors and nurses, they had been (and are) a blessing to US.  Their expertise and dedication allowed us our family.  I couldn't deny someone else the chance to have their own miracle. 

Chip and I filled out stacks and stacks of paperwork.  We had to get forms notarized, do special blood work and provide our medical history, along with that of our children, siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.  And now... we wait.  Everything has been signed, sealed and delivered.  It's in God's hands now.  We can call in a year and find out if it was a successful pregnancy and how many babies were delivered.  Honestly though, I think I already know what the answer will be...

Did You Know..

Did you know that Hayden...

eats the sprinkles first, followed by the icing and then the cake on a Starbucks Birthday Cake Pop?

calls powdered donuts "snow donuts" and powder for his diaper "pee pee snow"?

loves Izzie so much and tries to ride her like a neigh?

loves to chase Addison with his Mater push toy?

cuddles in the morning and says "Momma kiss"?

would eat cheese for every meal if we let him?

calls chocolate milk "choc milk" and guzzles it down?

calls Christmas lights "pretty lights" and asks when the sun will go down so the lights will come on?

loves to play hoop ball... like seriously, the kid is obsessed?

calls statutes and anything else that he can't get out of something "stuck?"

now cries when we have to leave a playground?

knows that a tractor will "push the dirt" and uses his whole body to tell you so?

calls a teepee a little tunnel?

knows a train says "chug, chug, choo choo?"

loves to watch the shows "Mighty Machines" and "The Adventures of Chuck and Friends?"

loves to take a Buzz bubble bath (Buzz is on the bubble bath soap container) and play hoop ball in the tub until all the bubbles are gone and the water is cold?

will only wear his football or Penguin hat?

calls any red veggie or fruit an "apple?"

kisses his friend Harper's picture every day?

All of these things (and more) Hayden has started saying or doing since his surgery. I thank God every single day that I have not had to miss any of these moments. When he's acting like a straight up crazy two year old, I remember how very lucky we are. God granted our wish and gave us our miracle... TWICE! He opened a door for us and we moved a few hours away from our families. He allowed me the opportunity to work from home part time. He's enabled us a better work/life balance as a family. He has blessed me with a man who is my very best friend and balances me and a son who is such a joy (even when he's a mess and throwing a tantrum while I try not to laugh).

So, did you know that I am extremely blessed, extremely thankful and overcome with this amazing life?

Worst & Best Day of My Life

We've all heard the saying that, once you have a child, your heart walks around outside of your body. Three weeks ago the enormity of this saying hit me in a way that I was wholly unprepared for. To understand the ending, a sweet loving toddler who is safely sound asleep, we must start at the beginning of the journey - which began when my wee one was not quite six weeks old.

Hayden at 6 weeks - first ear infection

Fast forward to July 13th, 2010 and we are in the waiting room having his first set of tubes put in at the tender age of 6.5 months old. The surgery was uneventful and recovery a breeze.

Fast forward to June of 2011 and Hayden (WITH tubes) has had seven ear infections in an eleven month time frame. We're at the ENT and are NOT seeing our regular doctor, as he takes approximately (no lie) 3-4 months to get an appointment with and Hayden doesn't have one with him until the end of June. The resident that we see is super nice and I explain my concerns: the multiple ear infections, chronic congestion and runny nose, the snoring, the "flip top" head while he sleeps, the NOT sleeping through the night. Yes, we answer to his questions. We have tried: saline drops, cool mist humidifier, deep carpet cleaning, cleaning the air ducts, allergy testing, a fan, elevated mattress, Vicks Baby Rub, Vicks Plug Ins, air purifier. I tell him that I REALLY think it's his adenoid blocking his airway while he sleeps. He agrees. THEN, enter Dr. A*Hole, the attending. He dismisses the thought that it could be his adenoid and insists it's silent reflux and prescribes Zantac. We let him drink too much milk and coddle him too much he states as gives us a list of foods for Hayden's new reflux-friendly diet.

A month later, we go in to see Dr. D, our regular ENT. I explain that I think Dr. A*Hole is wrong. The medicine is not making a difference in the pattern of behavior we are seeing. What should we do? He suggests a wait and see approach and recommends we come back at the beginning of October and re-evaluate. Hayden passed all of his hearing tests, so, in that respect, he seems fine and is hitting all of his developmental milestones right on schedule, so our doctor isn't overly concerned.

October 2011: It's a Tuesday and we're back for our follow up appointment. The Zantac and adjusted diet is STILL not making any difference in how Hayden sleeps. He still DOESN'T sleep through the night and has all the same issues. I tell the nurse that I REALLY think it's his adenoid and I'm frustrated that no one will listen to me. I ask her what our options are to see if I'm right. It's either a sleep study or xray. We decide on the xray, as we'll have an immediate answer and, seriously, the kid DOES NOT sleep through the night so I'm not sure what good a SLEEP study would do since I doubt he would actually, you know, sleep. A half hour later...the xray is complete. Dr. D comes in and pulls up Hayden's xray. YUP...it's definitely his adenoid. It's blocking 98% of his nasal passage and the Doctor is surprised at the enormity of the blockage given how Hayden continues to grow and thrive. He has an opening for surgery on Friday at the Children's satellite surgery center. We can remove the adenoid and put in new tubes, since his left one has been blocked for the past six months.

Two Days Later: Chip picks Hayden up from school and the lil' guy proceeds to get sick on him at home. When I get home from work, I get the same treatment four times. I call the surgery center and they direct us to still bring him in. We take him in and he has a 101 fever. Of course, surgery is a no go. Dr. D looks in his ears and SURPRISE - a nasty ear infection. We leave with a mega dose of antibiotics and a miserably sick little guy. Hayden's surgery is rescheduled for 10 days later to make sure he has enough time to recuperate and get better.

A week later: I wake up in the middle of the night as I hear what sounds like Hayden gasping for air over the monitor. I lay down with him in the guest bed and his breathing seems to even out, so I chalk it up to me hearing something weird or dreaming something strange. Still, the next day, I mention it to his teacher when I drop him off at school. When I call to check on him at nap time, she mentions she noticed it too. I call the ENT and they direct us to the ER at the Children's Hospital. We end up staying overnight for observation and the monitors don't pick up anything too bad. His heart rate and pulse ox drop, but the alarm goes off and he recovers. I have a Momma Bear moment with the on-call ENT about my concerns with Hayden's breathing and frustration when they try to discharge us. I want my baby better and I only trust Dr. D. I refuse to leave until the on-call ENT talks to Dr. D and tells us the plan and what's going on to make Hayden breath so strangely. Dr. D decides to postpone surgery until the next Wednesday so it can be done AT the hospital and to give Hayden more time to recover from whatever virus made him so sick and possibly caused the breathing issues he's having. He directs us that Hayden is to stay out of school until surgery and he wants him to get as much fresh air as possible to help make his lungs stronger. Dr. D explains that Hayden will have new tubes put in, his adenoid removed, but also will have a scope done to see what's going on with his breathing, as well as biopsy of his esophagus, washing of his lungs and a possible removal of his tonsils (depending on what he sees during surgery). Note to self: beware when you Google this as really... it's intimidating and scary stuff. However, we have to do what's best for Hayden and I have to be prepared and know what the doctor will be doing.

The next Wednesday: I am a wreck. I'm scared. I pray. Our sweet baby is having several scary sounding procedures. I'm swamped at work and nervous I look like a slacker since I've been out a week and have only been intermittently checking email. I curse myself for giving a crap about work right now and let it go. Hayden needs me to be strong right now. We play with Hayden and the anesthesiologist comes in and reviews the dangers of sedation and intubation. He reviews what will happen during each step of the procedure. We pray. They give Hayden some happy juice and we walk him to the OR doors. We kiss him, hug him and tell him the doctors will take great care of him and we'll see him in a minute.

We expect the procedure to take about 30 minutes to an hour. I watch his ID number on the board - PreOp it says and then it updates 10 minutes later to Surgery. We drink coffee - I try to read a magazine, to Facebook, to count tiles in the ceiling. FINALLY - Dr. D comes in and says that the surgery was perfect. He's amazed at how well Hayden had been compensating all this time. His tonsils were literally touching when he breathed in. He had to remove them, as well as his adenoid. Hayden had one of the worst cases he had ever seen for someone so young. After the two week recovery process, we should have a new kid! Dr. D said that we were right. He apologized for not listening to my mother's intuition sooner and praised us for not giving up and speaking up when we knew in our hearts something was wrong. Hayden most definitely had a severe case of sleep apnea (hence the gasping) and did NOT have reflux. Dr. D said that we would be able to see our baby in about 10 minutes.

30 minutes later...we're starting to get concerned. Did they forget about us? The board still says Post Op. I'm pacing and praying and praying and pacing. I go outside in the hall and see the anesthesiologist walk by and look at me. I follow him into the waiting room. He motions me over and tells me to get Chip and get our stuff and come to the conference room. We won't be coming back to the waiting room, he tells us. I'm confused and anxious. My heart is literally in my throat and I'm about to puke. "He's okay," he starts, "but...." My ears start ringing. Chip literally has to hold me down in my seat as I start crying and saying, "I want to see my baby, NOW!" Somehow, I pull it together to hear what he has to say. The doctor tells us that the surgery went perfect. Recovery was going perfect. Then...20 minutes after the surgery, Hayden stopped breathing. They have to intubate and bag him and it took a few minutes for him to recover enough to breath on his own. He had only not had oxygen for a few seconds, as there was a nurse right beside his bed every second. He reassured us that this happened occasionally and they knew how to handle it. Hayden was crying now and he would take us to go see him. The walk to the recovery room was the longest of my life.

In the recovery room... it was wonderful to see Hayden awake and okay. It was awful to see him looking so NOT like himself. Nothing can prepare you for the sight of your child hooked to monitors. He has wires and cast-looking things around both arms to keep him from pulling anything out. There is also this terrible, green thing (nasal trumpet) sticking out of his nose. He's so tiny! I am holding it together, but barely. It's like I'm watching myself through a window. Hayden sees me and the nurses give him to me. I practically rip him from their arms. I sit and rock him and start singing as tears roll silently down my cheeks. I'm praising God that he's here, he's okay, he's breathing. Even as I hold him, Hayden's pulse ox keeps dropping...he'll relax and try to fall asleep, then he stops breathing. We have to tickle him and make him cry to get him to start again. Finally, after an hour, we are able to remove the "blow by" oxygen and I can just hold him and rock him and love him. He settles down and his vitals start to stabilize. We'll be staying the night in the PICU they tell us...Honestly, there's nowhere else I wanted to be at that moment. I'm still so scared. As I sit in recovery and continue to rock Hayden, I realize that God planned all of this. He knew this is where we needed to be for his surgery. If we had been at the surgery center, we would have had to been CareFlighted to the hospital. He knew what He was doing.

Even now, as I type this, I am overwhelmed. I still need to write thank you notes to the nurses and staff at the hospital. I don't know what to say, especially to the recovery nurse. How do you properly thank someone for literally saving your child's life? A superhero cape? A million dollars? My eternal gratitude? We know what this happened - the intubation tube from surgery was removed when he was under too deep of sedation. It caused his airway to freeze up (similar to the response a child has when they fall in the water). They had to give him a shot to "unfreeze" the muscles so that they could intubate him. I saw the little instrument they used to intubate my son. I saw the bag they used to breath life and air back into his lungs. The memories of those moments are forever burned in my mind.

Right now, yea, I am probably a helicopter parent and probably let Hayden get away with more than I should. There's so many lessons learned from October 19, 2011. I will go into them later, but, suffice it to say that Chip and I were forever changed on that day. We left the hospital stronger and closer than ever. We learned who our true friends are. We learned that family and friends will move Heaven and Earth to help you. We were reminded of what really matters...

Seventeen to Twenty Months In...

Oh Hayden,

Please don't take the fact that I have written NOTHING on this blog for the last FOUR months to mean that you haven't done anything noteworthy. Quite simply, it is because you are so. very. busy. There is certainly never a dull moment and "toddler wrangling" is truly a whole body workout.

Here is a timeline of five minutes in our typical day after we get home:
Put our bags up.
Ask for "up."
Bang on the window by the stairs.
Go upstairs.
You open the girl's kennels.
We go back down the stairs.
Go outside.
Go inside.
Feed the girls.
Play in the dog food.
Clean up the dog food.
Fill up the water bowl.
Empty the water bowl.
Clean up the water.
Play "hoop."
Play "gawf."
Play "frow football."
Put on "football hat."
Take off "football hat."
"Momma, hike football"
Play "baseball bat."
Repeat.
Play "barn."
Go outside.
Go down "side."
Repeat.

See - who needs a typical workout when I have you? I get hugs, kisses and a lot or running around! Seriously, I am loving every moment. Every day something new happens that just makes us laugh.

• You weigh 29 pounds and are very tall. You are in size 6 1/2 shoes, 24 month or 2T shirts and 18 to 24 month shorts and pants.


• You are also skinny with the cutest milk belly.


• You have your Daddy's obsession with shoes. You are extremely picky about what shoes you wear, so much so that we had to buy the same pair in a couple of sizes.


• You wear a size 5 diaper and are VERY good about telling us when you go "poo, poo." You will grab our hand, get a diaper from the diaper bucket, grab your wipes and diaper cream and then lay down on your farm rug for us to change you.


• Like any boy, you find bodily functions HILARIOUS! The other night, Izzie had a sneaky, silent and smelly toot. I asked you if Izzie tooted and you started belly laughing and saying "Izzie toot!" You also grab your own behind and say, "I toot!" while laughing. It is pretty funny, I have to admit.


• The messier the activity, the better! I am loving this. This past weekend, we painted a paper maiche witch hat, made chocolate chip cookies, made Christmas ornaments with your handprints in plaster (which I bought to do last Christmas, but oh well) and made Rice Krispy treats. You liked all of it. The stickiness of the marshmallows ws pretty funny - it was like a cat with tape on it's paws. You figured out how to get it off though - licking it!


• You love to give "noses." It's what's typically called an Eskimo kiss.


• You like to high five, say "Bye bye!," talk to everyone and watch CARS!


• CARS is your favorite movie. We have it saved on every DVR, on Blu Ray, on DVD and on every other electronic device/format possible I think.


• Don't wash a talking "A Peen" (Lighting McQueen) car - it will then have a high voice, will then quit working and "bake." Your Momma will then have to buy you a new one since she's the one who washed it to get the stickiness off of it.


• You took swimming lessons over the summer and LOVED them! We signed you up for more lessons twice a week in the evenings. It's an indoor pool and we like the way you sleep afterwards. You are a water baby!


• You don't like it if I hold another baby. You try to crawl in my lap or up me and will just cry. If it's a bigger kid, no jealousy. I guess this means you're not quite ready for a sibling? :)


• You love your puppies and enjoy making all the animal sounds. It's our favorite game to play in the car.


• Your favorite song is "Back That Thing Up" by Justin Moore. It's the rooster sound at the beginning of the song that you like the most. As soon as you get in the car, you ask for the "cock-a-doodle-doo" and point to the radio. You also like "Where the Boat Leaves From" by the Zach Moore Band and have liked it since you were a wee baby. We need a new CD of it though because it's "baken." (broken)


• You are 100% boy. You love watching or playing ball, getting dirty, playing on the playground, riding your bike (tricycle), watching Elmo, playing outside, playing with tools and loving on us.


• Speaking of Elmo, you had a boo boo awhile back and I gave you an Elmo bandaid. After that, you wanted ONLY an Elmo bandaid every day for your arm. There are only 6 Elmo bandaids in a package, so I ordered Elmo tattoos. You have to have an Elmo on one arm and Cookie on the other. Good thing I over-ordered by accident and we have about 432 tattoos.


• Ilove you so much, buddy! You are a joy and make our hearts burst. I love the way you run across your classroom to give me hugs and kisses when I pick you up and how you say "bye, bye" and give me hugs & kisses when I drop you off.


• At night, when I rock you, it makes my heart so happy that you say "Star" for me to sing you Twinkle, twinkle little star, then you say "pay" so we pray (with your hands folded together) and you say "Amen" at the end. Then you snuggle in and I sing "Bible" (Jesus Loves Hayden).

More to come...

Love,

Momma

Fifteen to Sixteen Months In...

Dear Hayden,

Dear Lord, son, you just keep growing! You are now a few days past being 16 months old. Every moment with you is just unbelievably amazing! You are so funny – such a perfect mix of your Daddy and me. Seeing things in you that are like me make me love myself more.

• You smile just like me – in lights up your whole face. You smile with your whole body.


• Your personality is JUST like your Daddy’s (and Grandpa Skip). You have never met a stranger. In fact, it took your Daddy an hour to get through Home Depot the other day because you were so busy saying and waving hi & bye to everyone. If someone doesn’t say Hi back to you, you will say it over (and louder)) until they do and then you smile at them.


• However, you don’t like other people to HOLD you if we are around. It takes you a bit to warm up and then you are best buds.


• The past two months have been full of strange weather. Warm one day, snow the next, then rain. The whole April showers thing is not a lie in PA!


• We filled up your sandbox a few weeks ago. You adore it! Every day when we get home from school, you go straight to the backdoor to go outside. Rain, snow, sleet, sun – you love the outdoors! You get very sad when the weather is too yucky to go outside.


• You LOVE – seriously LOVE – basketball. We broke down and got you a little indoor hoop and you literally shoot baskets in it every. single. day.


• We went to the park by our house a couple of weeks ago and you played for a few minutes on the swing and went down the slide (by yourself, I might add). Then we walked over to the basketball court where two precious girls about 8 & 10 were playing. You dropped your bag of goldfish and walked over to them holding out your arms for the REAL basketball. They couldn’t resist your charms. You played basketball with them for almost an hour! You would pass the ball to them so they could shoot it through the hoop.


• Fast forward to this past Saturday. I took you to the park and you went down the slide once, on the swing for about 30 seconds and then you saw the basketball court and made a beeline for it! I had brought your big, red ball with us. We got to the courts and you saw a gross, old Nerf basketball and would have NOTHING to do with the red, CLEAN ball we brought. I can’t fool you – you know what a basketball should look like. I lifted you up to the hoop and you actually threw the ball in and, by the grace of God and your Frohling athleticism, it went in! I never want to forget the look of pure JOY on your face at that moment!


• Your Uncle Jake is LOVING your love of basketball! He coaches it and one day soon will be showing you all of the moves and stuff.


• The Easter Bunny brought you a REAL basketball. You think it’s SO, SO awesome and that you are now a BIG kid.


• We took you to the mall to walk around one day when it was gross outside. We walked by the trains and the Easter Bunny (who you quickly walked AWAY from). We carried you and walked to the escalators. We sat you down and you walked ALL the way back to the other side of the mall to the trains and said “Go, Go!” You wanted to ride it! I roder with you the first time and you tried to push me out. The next ride was all you. Your face absolutely lite up with happiness at riding the train ALL by yourself!


• We joined the SeeSaw Center by our house for this season and next. You and Daddy really enjoyed going on Saturday mornings when Momma had to work some events.


• We took you to Simmons Farm for an Easter Egg hunt. You liked walking in the apple orchard looking for eggs and painting, as well as planting a pepper plant in, a flower pot with Dada. Your VERY favorite part was the petting zoo. The QUACK, QUACKS! There was also a chocolate lab you loved. The baby goats and baby rabbits were okay, but again – there were quack, quacks who you kept chasing and pointing to. LOVED that moment!


• You talk SO much (just like Momma).
  o Quack, quack = duck
  o Uck = truck and yuck
  o Cass Can = Trashcan
  o Momma
  o Dada
  o Ca Ca = car and rooster
  o Les Go = Let’s Go
  o Izzie
  o Addie
  o Dagee = doggy
  o Ga Ga = Grandma and Grandpa
  o Bye (very Texan sounding)
  o Hi (very Texan sounding)
  o Light
  o Peas = Please
  o Ba = Ball
  o Moo = Cow
  o Tea
  o Go Go
  o Ba Ba = Bottle
  o Ni Ni = Night, night


• You are also very good at signing for more, all done, dog and please.


• You understand so much! You will take our finger and lead us to what you want. You will bring us something if we ask you. You know where things are and like to point out our friends and family.


• You really love putting things in the trash can. You are like me in that everything has a place. You’re like your Daddy in your love of shoes. You will bring me your shoes nineteen hundred times a day until I put them on you. Normally this means you want to go outside or go somewhere.


• You will sometimes take my keys and go to the door and say “Les Go!” You also will hit the door and say Dada when you think it is time for your Dada to be home.


• You are now (and I hope I don’t jinx this) sleeping through the night and only getting up once or twice. We are also all done with nursing. Weaning off the bottle will come next, but we’re not rushing. It’ll happen.


• You are still napping SO good at school! YEA!


• You now have TWELVE teeth. All of your molars came in and, let’s just say, that is NOT fun!!


• One of your very favorite things to do right now is still to hug (and open mouth kiss) and I could just eat it up! If we ask you to hug someone or something, you will. It’s adorable! You really love to hug (and kiss!) Izzie. She is so sweet with you and just lays there as your crawl all over her.


• You still love your puzzles. You will sit down at your picnic table or stand up at the coffee table to do them every night.


• You are SUCH a great walker and are starting to run a little bit.


• You are eating better although getting you to eat veggies in the natural form (as opposed to baby food form) is not the easiest. We don’t make it a battle though because you do love to feed yourself with a spoon.


• At your 15 month appointment, they said that you are in the 33rd percentile for weight (a bit over 24 lbs.) and 66th percentile for height (31 ¾ inches). Your head is in the 50th percentile at 18 inches. You now weigh a little over 26 pounds.


• You still wear a size 5.0M shoe, size 4 diapers and 12-18 month one piece outfits and shirts. You are now tall enough for 12-18 month pants.


• You still love the color orange and balls!


• We are going on a family cruise to the Eastern Caribbean with Grandma and Grandpa Texas, Aunt Elesha, Uncle Chad and Nathan & Oliver. It will be so fun!


• You are very vocal about what you want or DON'T want. You love for us to read to you and are constantly bringing us books to read. It makes my heart VERY happy since I love to read.


• Every day is so much fun and we love it! You are truly our gift from God!!
  

Love,
Momma

Fourteen Months In...

Dear Hayden,

FOURTEEN MONTHS! Actually, as I write this, you are one week away from being fifteen months. I blame it on the fact that I am just enjoying every single second with you. Your little personality is just so amazing! Every day is a new adventure and full of blessings. Seeing the world through your eyes is so wonderful!

• This month, we had a lot of fun adventures as a family! Now that Spring is getting closer, we are trying to venture out more and explore.


• We went to Cabela’s in West Virginia. You LOVED the fish and people watching!


• We went to Kidapalooza at the convention center. You really liked the blow up slide and all of the characters. The Teddy Graham bear was your favorite – other than the yellow balloon your friend Owen gave you.


• You also went to your first basketball game! You LOVED watching. There’s something about that orange ball…


• We also went to visit the SeeSaw Center. It was a blast! You loved everything – there was so much to see, we will definitely have to go back. You loved the slides (one was even orange!) and the basketball hoop.


• You went to your first party at a play center. We went to Giggles & Smiles and you rode this little train thing. It made you laugh, as did the tunnels you crawled through. And again…you went straight to the basketball hoop…


• You are now in the toddler room! OH DEAR! You love it. You get to play outside with your friends, do LOTS of fun artwork and you even sit at a little table to eat with your friends.


• We got you a really cute nap mat (camp with your name in orange, of course) and you now sleep for two hours on your cot at school. I’m not sure if it’s luck or the mat, but the first day you tried it, you started sleeping through at nap time (you were only sleeping 30 minutes before).


• Speaking of sleeping, you now sleep through the night and only nurse first thing in the morning. YEA! We had a bit of regression due to you being sick and getting a molar, but we’re getting back on track. The key is Dada getting up to soothe you, not the milk bar Momma.


• You just got your NINTH tooth. It’s a molar and it hurt you when it was breaking through. Thank goodness for teething gel and Motrin.


• I have now been “baptized” by you. Last week, I was running a little late and, when I got to school, you had just gotten sick all over one of your teachers. I rushed you to urgent care and Dada met us. We were in the exam room and Dada got up to through away a tissue. At that moment, you got sick all over me and the chair that Dada had just vacated. You had a really high temperature that luckily broke by 3 a.m. that night. We cuddled the next day. I am very thankful it was a short-lived virus. I do NOT like seeing you sick!


• Your very favorite thing to do right now is hug and I could just eat it up! If we ask you to hug someone or something, you will. It’s adorable! You really love to hug (and kiss!) Izzie. She is so sweet with you and just lays there as your crawl all over her.


• You also are SO smart! If you find something on the floor or I give you something and ask you to take it to the trash, you take it right to the trash can and put it in! It’s very helpful!


• You also like to wipe your face and nose and clean your tray.


• Puzzles are a new love of yours. You know where each piece goes. You like the animal and vehicle ones best.


• You are walking better and better each day. You LOVE the ball popper and the Toy Story push toy that your friend, Owen, let us borrow. You like to stand on the Toy Story push toy. It’s pretty cute!


• You are entering the toddler phase of not eating as much and being pretty picky about what you will eat sometimes. Dada and I don’t make it a battle. You are good about trying new things, but if you don’t like it, you won’t eat it. We have our go-to foods, so we know you will NORMALLY eat those things. They are: chicken, bananas, applesauce, yogurt, cheese, goldfish, waffles, grilled cheese, French toast, sweet potatoes, squash and mac & cheese. I will sneak in veggies in what you are eating and you don’t mind.


• You are talking and pointing so much more now! You know what you want and will definitely let us know. You know so much and are so incredible.


• You now wear a size 5.0M shoe (as of today!), size 4 diapers and 12-18 month one piece outfits and shirts. You are starting to get tall enough for 12-18 month pants.


• You still love the color orange and balls!


• You are very vocal about what you want or DON'T want. You love for us to read to you and are constantly bringing us books to read. It makes my heart VERY happy since I love to read.


• Every single day is an adventure and we could not be more blessed.
  

Love,
Momma

Thirteen Months In...

Dear Hayden,

For some people, thirteen is viewed as an unlucky number. Well, not in this family! Your Grandma Texas was born on September 13th and your cousin Nathan was born on April 13th. This month, you are thirteen months old and just so. much. fun! Each and every day is filled with wonder and your Dada and I feel so incredibly fortunate that God chose us to be your parents. We love you more than you can ever know. One day, when you become a Dada, you will understand the depth of our love for you.

• This month, we have stayed home a lot and enjoyed TONS of quality family time.
• Dada and I went on a date to the Pitt basketball game with our work. Our sweet friends, Nick & Emily, watched you. It's hard to say who had more fun - you or them! You fell asleep and cuddled at their house. You are such a sweet, loving little guy. It makes my heart happy to see other people love on you and adore you as much as we do.
• You now have EIGHT teeth! Your eighth one came in on your 13 month birthday. You are less of a vampire baby now. HA! We are cutting back on your nursing to once during the night and after I pick you up from school. You are down to two bottle a day and are now on 100% whole milk.
• You LOVE to play! Your laugh and smile just lights up your whole face. Your belly laugh is especially fun! The other day, when we were on Skype with Grandma & Grandpa Frohling, you were playing with your light up ball from Grandma & Grandpa Texas. Addison chased it when you threw it and you just belly laughed so loudly. It was about the cutest thing EVER!
• You have added "hi," "bye," "nana" (banana) and "ni-ni" (night night = bedtime) to your vocabulary. You are always waving hi & bye. You love to clap (you especially love clapping for the TERRIBLE singers on American Idol - possibly because Momma is in that category in regards to being able to carry a tune) and are starting to blow kisses. You talk a lot in your own language. It makes me laugh and we have lots of important conversations!
• You love to crawl over to me and pull up on my legs. When I pick you up, you give me a hug. Needless to say, I always pick you up! You also love to crawl all over your jungle gym (i.e., Dada) and cuddle with him.
• Izzie is your new best friend. You love to pet her, kiss her and hug her. She is very gentle with you and enjoys giving you kisses. This is especially helpful after you eat. HA! You enjoy giving them their treats when we put them in their kennels in the morning. Also, as soon as we get home, you point up the stairs and start signing for "dog" and saying "Iz."
• Your favorite show is Sesame Street. If you are feeling a bit fussy, we can put it on and you will start dancing to the music, pull up on the TV stand and talk to your "friends" on the TV.
• We put the web cam above the TV and connected the laptop to it. Needless to say, the grandparents love this because now they can watch you play while we Skype.
• You are a wonderful eater. You REALLY love bananas. When I (or your teachers at school) ask if you want one, you will crawl over to your highchair. You are getting better at using a (toddler) spoon and fork. I have to say, I am very proud of what a good eater you are and the fact that you have healthy eating habits.
• Boy, oh boy, do you love the bath. I love giving you a bath and singing to you the songs that Grandma Texas and Grandma Water (my Grandma) sang to me. We sing "I'm Going to Wash that Girl (changed from Man) Right out of my Hair, "Singin' in the Rain," "Splish Splash I was Takin' a Bath," "The Rubber Ducky Song (from Sesame Street)," and "At the Carwash (when we dry you off)."
• You like to pull up, scoot around and push anything with a button or that makes noise. You are getting so tall and strong that we are constantly having to move things to safe zones.
• You are very curious about EVERYTHING! It amazes me how much you remember and know. Just this past weekend, we were at the mall and you started drinking from a straw like you had been doing it all along. YEA!
• At school, you like to push the buzzer that lets us in the door. You love to give your teachers hugs and they really love you! You are starting to transition to the toddler room. I know you are ready, but it's a little hard on me. You sit and eat lunch with your friends at a TABLE with CHAIRS! You are growing up so fast!!
• You still wear a size 4.5M shoe, size 4 diapers and 12-18 month one piece outfits and shirts. You are starting to get tall enough for 12-18 month pants.
• You have another ear infection in your left ear. Luckily, your tubes are working and it's draining so you are not in pain. Another ten day does of amoxicillin (which you take so well) and ear drops.
• You still love the color orange and have this little frog bath toy that you love.
• You are very vocal about what you want or DON'T want. You love for us to read to you and are constantly bringing us books to read. It makes my heart VERY happy since I love to read.
• Every single day is an adventure and we could not be more blessed.

Love,

Momma

Twelve Months In...

Dear Hayden,

How is it ALREADY been a year since you were born? Daddy and I can't believe it - time really does fly when you are a parent! Every day is an adventure with you, we get the opportunity to look at the world in a whole new way through your eyes. You help us to appreciate the small things and to realize that family is really all that matters. We are incredibly blessed!

• This past month has involved a LOT of traveling. You are an amazing little guy and normally either laugh and talk or fall asleep on the many flights you have been on.
• We spend the second week of December in Texas so we could visit Grandma and Grandpa Texas, Uncle Chad, Aunt Elesha, Oliver, Nathan, Uncle Brian, Aunt Mary and their Baker bunch...the list goes on and on. We celebrated your birthday early and, man, did you go to town on your basketball cake! It was pretty awesome I must say!
• We spent your birthday flying after Momma & Dada got off of work. We landed in Iowa just in time for your Grandma and Grandpa Frohling to wish you Happy Birthday. We had two delayed flights and you just slept right through it all! You got to enjoy another birthday celebration on Christmas Eve with more family. I have to say that our Iowa friends and family think you are amazing! Cousin James said the sweetest thing when your Great Aunt Janet was rocking you. He said, "Grandma, it looks just like you are rocking baby Jesus." He said you reminded him of baby Jesus because you smell good, have no hair and have soft skin.
• Santa came to see you and BOY do you have a LOT of toys! Momma is working on organizing them so you're not too overwhelmed. We rotate them so you can play with everything that your friends, Aunts and Uncles have so generously given you.
• You now have seven teeth. You are cutting a couple of more and this has turned you into a little vampire baby. Let's just say your nursing days are coming to an end!
• Besides "Mama," "Dada," "dagee" (doggy) and "uh oh!" you have now added "light" (said with a slight Texas twang), "dat," (that) "dis" (this), "Iz" (Izzie) and "baa" (ball).
• You can sign doggy, more, all done and you also point really well while says "dat?" or "dis?"
• When football is on, you will point at the TV and say "Dada dat." I think it means you are saying that Dada and you watch football/ESPN together every morning.
• You like to blow raspberries, kisses and click your tongue and imitate us constantly. It's VERY entertaining! I really love your open mouth kisses. I don't like it when you fake me out with a kiss and bite my nose instead (that has only happened once though).
• You are still a great eater. You are now on pretty much all table food and are beginning to drink cow's milk. We do 1/2 formula and 1/2 whole milk right now and are working on adjusting to all cow's milk over the next couple of weeks. If you don't want something though or are full, you will turn your head and NOT eat it. I am glad that you do this since it shows you are developing healthy eating habits.
• You are also drinking from a sippy cup most of the time. We are starting to wean you off of the bottle, but weaning you from nursing is coming first, then the bottle.
• Baths are still tons of fun for you!! I hope you have Momma's love of water.
• You are pulling up and starting to take steps while we hold your hands. We bought you your first pair of shoes at Stride Rite and you are doing great! You especially love to kick them against your high chair and stroller to make noise.
• You wear a size 4.5 M shoe.
• You are now in size 4 diapers.
• You are still in 12-18 month one piece outfits and shirts. Pants are 6-12 or 9-12. The 12-18 pants are still a little long.
• We went to your one year appointment and you are doing fabulous! You now weigh 22 lbs. 6 oz. (42nd percentile) with a height of 30 3/4 inches (77th percentile) and a head circumference of 18 inches (72nd percentile). This means you are tall and thin with a big brain! You weigh less than your last appointment because you are so mobile now.
• The doctor is very impressed with how you are developing, especially given that you had to have tubes at such a young age (six months). She was especially charmed by your unique mode of scooting.
• You are starting to get up less at night, so I am hoping for longer stretches soon! (Can that be your New Year's resolution? HA!)
• Your favorite spot in our house is the windows. You love to pull up and bang on them. I like the little baby hand prints!
• Your favorite color is still orange and you love to play with balls, anything that makes noise, trucks and your Little People farm.
• Dada and Momma got you a ball pit for your birthday and you will play for a good half hour in it. You like to throw the balls out of it right now and play peek a boo in it. You have a really good arm! Right now, you throw with both arms so we're not sure if you're right or left handed. Maybe you're ambidextrous?
• You really love Addison and Izzie. You are trying to say Izzie. It's hard to tell if you are saying "dis" or "Iz." You literally squeal with joy and laughter when we go upstairs to let them out of their kennels. They adore you too - especially when you eat and throw food at them. You lift your arm and they sit on their bums and then you feed them some of your food. You haven't yet realized that they don't go to restaurants with us so we have to tip more for the mess under your chair.
• You like to play in the dog's water bowl. You only did it once and now you go STRAIGHT for it every time you are in the kitchen. They now reside on the counter when you are in the kitchen.
• You are truly a very happy and smiley baby. I am not ready for you to be a toddler QUITE yet!
• You are crawling up the steps (with help of course) and we are teaching you the safe way to get down them (thanks Aunt Shari and Uncle Josh for that tip). Baby gates and electric outlet plugs are a great thing! We did have to get another brand of outlet covers since you figured out how to get the first brand out very quickly.
• Yesterday you grabbed a diaper out of your basket. I asked you to bring it to me and if you had a wet diaper. You scooted right over and handed it to me. Sure enough, you were wet! You are so smart!
• We love you VERY much, Hayden! God has blessed us with you and we cherish every second together. We are so proud of you and promise to always support and love you! Happy First Birthday, Snugglebug Monkey!

Love,

Momma

Eleven Months In...

Dear Hayden

Mommy is very late writing this letter to you. I have been so caught up in enjoying every moment with you, Daddy and the girls when I get home that I have been decidedly "unplugged" from the computer and technology to increase our quality time together. It has been a great decision! I am writing this letter now because I am home sick from work with strep. You are at school. The last day and half has STUNK! Daddy has had single parent duty and I can't be around y'all. It hurts my hurt!

You continue to delight us and make us laugh constantly! You are growing so fast and will be one in just a few short weeks...

• We went to Chicago a few weeks ago. Daddy and his friends, along with Uncle Jake and Aunt Kristi, went to the Northwestern vs. Iowa game while you and I hung out with Jessica, baby Kaden and Grandma and Grandpa Frohling. We had a blast! Grandma and Grandpa just couldn't get enough of you! All of our sweet friends love you so much. I know that you and Kaden will be best buds - you are only five months apart in age!
• Your top FOUR teeth are in now. You now have six teeth. WOW! You are adorable and are learning that Momma's shoulder is not for biting.
• We went and had family pictures made and you did awesome! It was hard to narrow down the choices because you are so cute!
• You now say "Mama" when you want me and if you want Momma's milk. I love it! You say "Dada" and "Dagee" (doggy) too. You said Mama and Dada before, but now you know what it means.
• You are still an amazing eater. You pretty much eat ANYTHING! You prefer to feed yourself over us feeding you. This means you get a LOT more baths now.
• Speaking of baths, you are now in the "man cave" bathroom. You are too big for your duck tub and the faucet upstairs doesn't work except in shower mode. You now get to take baths in Dada's bathroom and you LOVE it! His tub is MUCH bigger and you love to splash. You would stay there for hours if we let you.
• You also love to brush your teeth. You reach for the toothbrush and stick in your mouth. You do a great job!
• Your favorite way of getting around now is booty scooting. You scoot all around and will army crawl if you need to. You like to have something in each hand and way it around while scooting. I love it!!
• You love to pull up on everything, so we spend Thanksgiving break rearranging the living and dining room to make it safer for you.
• We also put up the tree. You LOVE balls, so it was no surprise when you pulled the (plastic) Toy Story balls off of the bottom of the tree and started playing with them. The bottom foot of the tree now has no ornaments.
• You still love to dance. You also love any music on TV.
• We got you a Baby Signing Time DVD and you love it! The frog is your favorite.
• I took you for your second flu shot at the new pediatrician and you now weigh 22 lbs. 8 oz. You are a healthy boy and we are grateful for that!
• You are about to be in size four diapers.
• You are now in 12-18 month pj's and one piece outfits. Depending on the shirt, it is either 6-12, 9-12 or 12-18. In pants, it's pretty much 6-12 or 9-12. You can wear 12-18, but they are a little long. You have a really long torso.
• We leave for Texas on Thursday and everyone is SO excited to see you!!
• My laptop crashed so I have lots of pictures of you I need to upload. :) I know people on Blogger and FB want to see you. :)
• You still manage to amaze us each and every day with you delightful little laugh and happiness. You are a great baby and we are always getting compliments on how handsome you are and how sweet you are. You are our greatest blessing!

Love,

Momma

Ten Months In...

Dear Hayden,

TEN months! Where has the time gone? You are SUCH, SUCH a joy in our lives. Your little personality is blooming! You love to smile, adore the dogs and are a bit suspicious of people you don’t know. You also never, ever stop, except when you sleep.

• Your Grandma and Grandpa Texas came to visit you. You went everywhere with them: Falling Water, Amish country in Ohio, Sarris’ Candy, shopping, and playing. We all had such a fabulous time. They enjoyed every second with you and you ate up the attention. They also taught you to say “uh oh!” when you drop something. It’s your favorite saying right now and it makes me laugh.
• Your top two teeth are now in. Two more top teeth are starting to come through. You have started to use my shoulder as a teether, so we are working on learning that you give Momma kisses, not bites!
• You LOVE, LOVE to give big, huge, slobbery open mouthed kisses and hugs. I love it!
• You really love honking your Dada’s nose. It makes you laugh. Baby tossing is your favorite activity – that and hanging upside down like a monkey.
• You like to feed the dogs from your high chair. They run and sit pretty while you eat and you will hang food over the edge and just smile when you try to get it from you. You play a little game with them doing this.
• You still don’t really like your bottle, but we don’t worry about it, since you are really an amazing eater!
• You now do the FUNNIEST thing. You sit on your bottom and use your legs to scoot and spin in circles to get what you want. You will also get on all fours and rrrreeeaaaccchhh to what you want. You still don’t want to crawl. We are okay with that. There is no rush. You don’t sit still now and still get to everything you want. We will have to WATCH OUT when you get really mobile! We borrowed a walker with wheels thing from friends a few days ago and you figured it out this morning. UH OH!
• You LOVE to dance. You will scoot to whatever toy you have out that plays music, push the buttons and then raise your hands in the air and start dancing. ADORABLE!!
• You still get up a couple of times at night. It won’t last forever though, so it’s okay. I do enjoy the late night cuddle time.
• You are in size three diapers.
• Grandma and Grandpa Texas took you to Stride Rite to get you shoes. You let them know (LOUDLY) that you do NOT like shoes. At least now we know that you wear a size 3 ½ shoe, even if you don’t wear them.
• You are in 6-12 or 9-12 month clothing, but about to be in 12-18 in pj’s and any one piece outfits.
• You started your new school at a local church by my work two days ago. It was a hard decision, but we now get an hour to two hours more per day quality time with you. The new teachers love you so much already!
• We are debating and looking for a place to live. We think we might buy a house and are looking.
• You are an amazing little guy and I love you with my whole heart!
• A memory moment: two nights ago you woke up and Dada went in to soothe you. He rubbed your back as you lay on your back when you reached your hand back, grabbed his hand and pulled it your chest to hold on to as you fell back asleep. It was so sweet to watch that moment on the video monitor!
• Your smile when you see us and how you raise your arms up to tell us to hold you. I love it!
• You LOVE the dogs – they always make you smile & laugh and are so good with you.
  

Love,
Momma